she looked like the before picture.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
