My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
