I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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