i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
