I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
