You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
