Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
