Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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