whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
