Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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