Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
