So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
God I need to hump something, right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
