Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
