maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
