why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
