i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
