my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
