There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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