i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
