mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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