The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
