when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
