I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
