Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
