It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
