you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
