My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
