Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
