Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
