There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
