the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize