i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize