Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize