if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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