We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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