I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
