you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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