if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
