the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Randomize
