if only i could text you this smell
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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