you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize