Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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