He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
