Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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