He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
