In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
