so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
