I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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