Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
