May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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