It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize