Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize