I wish I could teleport
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
