Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
