I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
