No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
