4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
