I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
