I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
