i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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