I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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