I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
