they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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