Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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